Monkey Warfare

If you like Halloween, you’ll love monkey warfare. It’s ideal for people uptight about guns, bombs and other children’s toys, and allows for imaginative forms of protesting, many of which will become myth, hence duplicated and enlarged upon. A syringe (minus the needle) or a cooking baster can be filled with a dilute solution of epoxy glue. Get the two tubes in a hardware store and squeeze into a small bottle of rubbing alcohol. Shake real good and pour into the baster or syringe. You have about thirty minutes before the mixture gets too hard to use. Go after locks, parking meters, and telephones. You can fuck up the companies that use IBM cards by buying a cheap punch or using an Exacto knife and cutting an extra hole in the card before you return it with your payment. By the way, when you return payments always pay a few cents under or over. The company has to send you a credit or another bill and it screws up their bookkeeping system. Remember, always bend, fold, staple or otherwise mutilate the card. By the way if you ever find yourself in a computer room during a strike, you might want to fuck up the school records. You can do this by passing a large magnet or portable electro-magnet rapidly back and forth across the reels of tape, thus erasing them. And don’t miss the tour of the IBM plant, either.

Another good bit is to rent a safe deposit box (only about $7.00 a year) in a bank using a phony name. That usually only need a signature and don’t ask for identification. When you get a box, deposit a good size dead fish inside the deposit box, close it up and return it to its proper niche. From then on, forget about it. Now think about it, in a few months there is going to be a hell-of-a-smell from your small investment. It’s going to be almost impossible to trace and besides, they can never open the box without your permission. Since you don’t exist, they’ll have no alternative but to move away. Invest in the Stank of Amerika savings program. Just check out Lake Erie and you’ll see saving fish isn’t such a dumb idea. If you get caught, tell them you inherited the fish from your grandmother and it has sentimental value.

There are lots of things you can send banks, draft boards and corporations that contribute to pollution via the mails. It is possible to also have things delivered. Have a hearse and flowers sent to the chief of police. We know someone who had a truckload of cement dumped in the driveway of her boss under the fib that the driveway was going to be repaved.

By getting masses of people to use electricity, phones or water at a given time, you can fuck up some not-so-public utility. The whole problem is getting the word out. For example, 10,000 people turning on all their electrical appliances and lights in their homes at a given time can cause a blackout in any major city. A hot summer day at about 3:00 PM is best. Five thousand people calling up Washington, D.C. at 3:00 PM on a Friday (one of the busiest hours) ties up the major trunk lines and really puts a cramp in the government’s style of carrying on. Call (202) 555-1212, which is information and you won’t even have to pay for the call. If you call a government official, ask some questions like “How many kids did you kill today?” or “What kind of liquor do Congressmen drink?” or offer to take Teddy Kennedy for a ride. A woman can cause some real excitement by calling a Congressman’s office and screaming “Tell that bastard he forgot to meet Irene at the motel this afternoon.”

A Washington call-in would work even better by phoning direct to homes of the big boys. For starters you can call collect the following*:

* Richard M. Nixon – El Presidente – (202) 456-1444

* Spiro T. Agnew – El Toro – (202) 265-2000 ext. 6400

* John N. Mitchell – El Butcher – (202) 965-2900

* Melvin R. Laird – El Defendo – (301) 652-4449

* Henry A. Kissinger – El Exigente – (202) 337-0042

* William P. Rogers – El Crapper – (301) 654-7125

* General Earl G. Wheeler – El Joint Bosso – (703) 527-6119

* General William C. Westmoreland – El Pollutoni – (703) 527-6999

* Richard M. Helms – El Assassin – (301) 652-4122

* John N. Chafee-El Sinko Swimmi-(703) 536-5411

*Any group who elopes with any of the persons listed is entitled to a free copy of this book. Anyone who parlays all 10 in a lift-off can have all the royalties. Send ears for verification.

A great national campaign can be promoted that asks people to protest the presidential election farces on Inauguration Day. When a president says “So help me God,” rush in and flush the toilet. A successful Flush for God campaign can really screw up the water system.

If you want to give Ma Bell an electric permanent, consider this nasty. Cut the female device off an ordinary extension cord and expose the two wires. Unscrew the mouthpiece on the phone and remove the voice amplifier. You will see a red and a black wire attached to two terminals. Attach each of the wires from the extension cord to each one from the phone. Next plug in the extension cord to a wall socket. What you are doing is sending 120 volts of electricity back through equipment which is built for only volts. You can knock off thousands of phones, switchboards and devices if all goes right. It’s best to do this on the phone in a large office building or university. You certainly will knock out their fuses. Unfortunately, at home your own phone will probably be knocked out of commission. If that happens, simply call up the business office and complain. They’ll give you a new phone just the way they give the other seven million people that requested them that day.

Remember, January is Alien Registration Month, so don’t forget to fill out an application at the Post Office, listing yourself as a citizen of Free Nation. Then when they ask you to “Love it or leave it,” tell them you already left!