Do you remember the Grossinator? It was a handheld device designed to hurl childish insults at bystanders. Part of the fun was creating the vulgar statements using four buttons, each of which had several sentence fragments associated with it.

Button #1
You’re like/It’s time for/Let’s all make/How about/I just love/
I’m gonna make/There’s nothing like

Button #2
a big/a long/a revolting/a disgusting/a slimy/a foul/a horrible

Button #3
gross/oozing/awful/wretched/stinky/putrid/smelly

Button #4
fart/burp/scab/m’booger/snot/barf/puke

After you’d chosen the words that would comprise your insult, a final button caused the Grossinator’s growly voice to broadcast your lowbrow wit to all within earshot. If you didn’t have an insult preference, the Grossinator combined the fragments on its own. Hearing the familiar words and phrases cobbled together in unexpected, sometimes nonsensical, fashion was most hilarious.

Sarah Palin’s recent encounters with the media have been disastrous. So disastrous, in fact, that Saturday Night Live was able to parody her interview with Katie Couric using parts of the transcript verbatim! McCain’s campaign handlers are holed up in Sedona with Palin this very minute trying to coach her for Thursday’s debate. There is no chance that they can make her look well-informed. At best they can hope she doesn’t say anything egregiously erroneous, or downright dangerous.

I think the safest plan would be to limit Palin’s leeway in the debate. To keep her from wandering into parts unknown (to her), campaign strategists should carefully select words and phrases for her to memorize and combine as she saw fit. Even better, they could enlist Mattel to create the Palinator.

Button #1
Senator McCain and I/Our administration/It’s got to be about/
My experience as

Button #2
economy/healthcare reform/terrorism/taxes/executive/maverick

Button #3
certainly does/ultimately/I dunno/you know/yeah

Button #4
gotcha journalism/liberal elite/spending/Alaska/
the United States of America

Notice that there are no words associated with abortion, birth control, evolution, war, religion, state troopers, lipstick, pigs, Russia, Wall Street, Bush Doctrine, United Nations, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, or special needs children.

I didn’t actually put together any of the above fragments to make sure they made coherent sentences. But then the Palinator wouldn’t, would it? It would simply say whatever it’s been programmed to say.