Dolls and Trolls

PeignoirAfter reviewing my slightly mean-spirited post about average guys sporting babes (remember Sybil and feel for her) I am compelled, as Marie, in the interest of fairness and full disclosure, to discuss the other side.

We’ve established that it is terrific for a man’s ego to be sporting a gorgeous blonde on each arm. But what, what in the hell, would motivate a woman to go along with the plan?

It could be that the man is well endowed (a type of good news that travels very quickly, trust me). This is my theory behind David Spade’s incredible success with Hollywood hotties. Why in the world would he, of all people, land Heather Locklear, among many sexy others? He is only 5’5″ but it is my guess that he is hiding bigger and better things and every girl in the vicinity knows it.

It could also be money. Brandon Davis, Stavros Niarchos, Randy Spelling…the Hollywood trust funders always have cute girlfriends and seem to have plenty of fun. However, I dated a trust funder all through college and beyond. At some point, the aimlessness and sheer pointlessness of a self-centered easy existence began to wear on my psyche. I had to move on to greener (ha) pastures because, like Solomon, it felt like all was vanity…..nothing under the sun mattered.

No, power is the true aphrodisiac. There is nothing sexier or more alluring to me than a man who has power and influence. A man who knows what he wants and can easily get it. A man who exudes confidence and is surrounded by people willing and able to do his bidding. This, more than anything, has been my undoing. I love arrogant men. I love the big boys. And they love me.

This flaw of mine explains why I’ve spent most of my adult life somewhat alone….physically, emotionally, spiritually. Powerful men rarely have anything else to offer. They are not accessible. They are edgy. They are hostile. They are controlling. Conversations consist of carefully chosen phrases. Sex is a zero sum game. There are always conditions, clauses, opt outs.

I think I’ve learned a thing or two in the past few years. Real power is not tied to money or political/business influence. True authority lies in the power of one’s convictions. A person who is passionate about something, anything really, has power. A person who is clear headed, rational, relational, loving and committed is a change agent. Someone I want to know. Someone I want to be around.

I won’t be arm candy (I’m getting too old anyway). I don’t give a whit about money or power. I want to associate with real people who have passion. People who are selfless, brilliant, committed, creative. This, more than anything, will bring me to my knees.

5 thoughts on “Dolls and Trolls

  1. AvatarMichael Slivka

    You have some great ideas there, Marie, but a minor misconception. Far from being selfless, love is the most profoundly selfish emotion possible. You choose to be with the loved one because of how he or she makes YOU feel. If it were truly unselfish, you would choose the biggest loser possible, because he would be the one who needs you the most. You are ready to give your life for the one you love, because life without that one person is truly not worth living. Being with that person is a net gain to you. The self must always remain inviolate; a person without self-esteem is of no value to anyone.

  2. AvatarMarie Post author

    Michael, I’m sure you are right if we are talking about romantic love, which I was. However, I think even romantic love can mature into something pretty unselfish if the parties are committed to each other. And I know for certain that love for children and family is often selfless. It sounds trite but love is often a decision as much as an emotion.

  3. AvatarMichael Slivka

    We are really talking about the same thing, Marie, but the epistemological sloppiness of our language gets in the way. Precisely, love is a decision as much as an emotion. Emotions are vitally important, they make us human, the actual bodily sensations they give us are what makes life worth living….but they are not separate and apart from our rational side, schizophrenically splitting our selves into conflicting parts. Rather, emotions flow directly from the value structure that each of us has created for ourself, over a long process, from birth, as it were. We choose to value that which furthers our life and well being, and dis-value that which causes us pain (if we act rationally, that is). The emotional response happens so quickly, we fail to recognize its source. Some people have chosen dysfunctional values, and the emotions flowing from these get them in trouble.

    But the term “selfish” has itself become perverted in all this cultural sloppiness. A truly selfish person, using that term in its truest, highest sense, is one who would never sacrifice himself to others, nor expect others to sacrifice themselves for him. Children and family are a special case; they are not “others”, they are part of ourselves. Wanting the best for our children (and yes, our lover) is being selfish. Selflessness would require sacrificing the needs of ourselves and our families to the needs of others and their families (this is the morality of altruism, explicitly stated by Immanuel Kant). Even Jesus said that we should not cast pearls before swine!

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