Rachael Flatt will not be assimilated

Rachael Flatt is neither fat nor homely, but it doesn’t take an Olympic judge to downgrade her prospects in figure skating. Embarrassingly, sports commentators were poised to preempt confused TV viewers from sitting up in alarm. Who is this stout little duckling flailing, albeit with precision, among our swans? The awkward freshness of Flatt’s execution made it look all the more miraculous, but I think the between-the-lines verdict was that Flatt flunked her screen test.

Words like graceful and beautiful pepper the usual skating play-by-play, but not when Rachael Flatt was on the ice. Compare their stilted discomfort to her airtime to their effusive fawning over everyone else. No sooner was it Rachael’s turn than announcers began to interject praise for her great personality and high intellect. I doubt not a few of Olympic competitors are very bright, but apparently Rachael runs a deficit of qualities for which the color commentary must over-compensate. It seemed as much to apologize for whatever freak accident of competition left the door open to Flatt, as to prepare the audience for the judges’ swift condemnation.

Were they surprised when Flatt skated flawlessly? Apparently it’s not enough to be the athlete, Olympic skating requires a ballerina. I thought that’s what Ice Dancing was for.

It’s no coincidence that Olympic faces are only the most beautiful, all with straight white teeth. Colorado Springs High schooler Rachael Flatt is imperfectly lovely, possessed of a photogenic quality all her own, if not theirs. Did you know the Olympics mean to celebrate only humanity’s televisible champions?

Presenters and judges alike know what they are after. The Olympics are a showcase for the epitome of our ideals, not merely athletic feats, but our aesthetic aspirations. It’s a 4-H meet for eugenics.

5 thoughts on “Rachael Flatt will not be assimilated

  1. She’s an embarassing heffalump.

    Mirai demolished her. Everyone was wondering how the hell she won the US Nationals. Wonder no more, heffalumps are in–only in America.

    What an oafish gulumpkin. Oy.

  2. Sorry, but Flatt is one of the most unphotogenic skaters I’ve ever seen and her skating is majorly uninspired.

  3. It would be pointless to mention that she skates better than I do. Mostly because I don’t actually skate, but that’s beside the point.

    Since when does physical appearance make a difference in Olympic Competition? I mean, somebody who runs faster than everybody else on the track, wins. Period.

    Somebody who measurably throws a javelin or shot farther, or jumps higher, or lifts more weight, puts more arrows into the target closer to the center than the other competitors, wins.

    As for body mass index, that’s a cultural distinction, not a universal constant. Even within subsets of cultures a few curves are more appreciated by some than by others.

    The age-old Spirit of the Olympics is a militarist propaganda festival. “Behold, OUR warriors can throw a javelin farther, run faster, are better with sword or bow than YOURS!” and saying that it’s about peace and good will is just plain … eeehhh.

    Some people have to travel to Egypt to swim deeply in De Nile.

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