The Bookman would like to announce, on the eve of its 15th Anniversary, a long overdue, grand attention-getting idea: A GET WITH THE PROGRAM- BOOK BURNING!
 
Let’s draw national attention and put Colorado Springs on the map for what it is: the Mecca of modern American fundamentalism. You hear it from world citizens more and more, they’re less worried by Islamic Fundamentalists than they are by American Fundamentalists!

Doesn’t Colorado Springs embody this scary Modern America? Teach creationism, perpetuate bigotry, all children left behind, screw their education with CSAPs, pump their ears with pornographic rap, trap their attention with Xboxes and Playstations, fill them with fat, sugar and BGH, send no one overseas to see the rest of the world unless they are carrying M16s and shooting everyone especially women and children.

In light of current times and the local uneducated landscape, we’re hosting a community book burning! We invite everyone to cast your votes for which books to destroy. We have a ton of them to burn, they’re not selling. Oh the crappy ones sell just fine, but the intellectual titles, who wants ’em?

Contrary to popular wisdom, the lauded, feted, quickly gentrifying westside, our home neighborhood, is as uneducated and uncultured as the rest of Colorado Springs. And that’s amazingly ignorant by any standard! We may as well be South Dakota Springs for as backward as we are. And those folks don’t know their asshole from, well, from your asshole apparently.

In keeping with local ordinances against open fires, we’ll actually destroy the books by conducting book baptisms instead of burnings. We’ll use large trash containers full of water. Same effect, same religious significance, book destroyed. Plus we’ll be keeping the idiots away from fire.