USA! USA! Today on Jerry Springer- Alaska vs. Delaware!

Jerry SpringerSnooty, arrogant, Dupont chemical state Biden, versus Soccer Mom eating moose burgers with Alaskan Separatist hubby! Let’s hope they take their tops off and go at it! Joe, you can tag team with Hillary to make it more even if you want?

Lets’ face it, Biden= Palin! They’re both camp as can be! But America just can’t get that image of Frontier out of mind (NO, not the half bankrupt Frontier Airlines), and Alaska is just that! It’s the great military frontier, too! God Bless Us so.

Biden wants to send US troops to Africa, and Palin wants to send them to Ukraine and Georgia (NO, not the Peach Tree State). Let Israel decide where ‘our’ troops be sent then!

Oops, Biden has just left the floor and is bumping his naked chest up against that of an audience member’s tie! Wait! That’s John McCain! What’s he doing in the ring?!!!

And there goes Todd! He’s taken down audience member Barack (the only Black person in this trailer trash crowd!) with a bear-like tackle! Talk about Global Warming! (let’s not)! Todd is biting and a growling!

Now he’s got Obama begging for an aborted mission, and look at that Todd go ballistic! That Todd’s something else, and we can only hope that he and his purty wife can get into the White House for more tag team fun. Maybe with Vladimir and the now rather putrid and pickled Boris? Jimmy and Mikhail could referee that one! We can only hope… it could be a nucular blast!

And look what’ just come out! A live pig with lipstick on, a jackass with lipstick aglow too, and a pink elephant with the bright red stuff on (please, don’t write me about this slanderous ad hominem attack on Sarah)! Oh boy! This is going to be a big free-for-all that the whole family can enjoy! Look at them go! Yeah! This could only happen in a Christian nation where God’s people have the freedoms that only God’s people can have! It makes me proud to be an American to see a show like this! Thanks, Jerry Springer, thanks to you, KRCP Cincinnati. Thanks to Great America!

The difference between GOP and a pig? Lipstick.

Alaska governor Sarah Palin hunts wildlife from a plane doorIn her speech last night at the RNC, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin riddled us: What’s the difference between a HOCKEY MOM and a PIT BULL? LIPSTICK. Maybe those of us who aren’t Alaskans or Canadians don’t know what “hockey moms” are. The raised placards at the RNC would have us think, and the cheering response would have us believe, that this is an appeal to homemaker feminists. We’re meant to confuse “hockey moms” -I’m sure- with “soccer moms,” a term which has nothing to do with tenacious blood-lust / sports advocacy.

“Soccer Moms” is about multitasking mothers overtaxed by the myriad after-school activities which excuse their driving Subarus or SUVs. The lexicographic link must be “soccer hooligan” from which we can derive the disproportionate competitive fervor shown by Little League parents. (Soccer Mom — Soccer Hooligan — Hockey Mom?) Would that explain the pit bull comparison? Or are Alaskan pit bulls beasts of burden on the dog sled teams?

No. VP candidate Sarah Palin is a pit bull alright, with the lies she’s pulling her children into, and the bold faced misrepresentations she’s making about her political record as a reformer and corruption cop, which she is everything but. But where Palin really needs the lipstick is to disguise her pit bull blood lust. Palin shoots moose and wolves from airplanes. lipstick She championed a ballot initiative to protect the rights of “Safari” outfits to take “hunters” like herself aloft where they can spot wild animals against the bare snow, stalk them until they are out of wind, then fire at them with high power rifles until they splatter dead. No need even to land the plane.

Pit bulls are outlawed in many civilized municipalities and Human Societies throughout the lower forty-eight won’t let people re-adopt them, choosing rather to euthanize pit bulls sooner than expose more would be pet owners to the genetically malignant brutes. Pit bull skulls shrink in on their brains as they age. Ever since the Budweiser pitchdog, people think they’re cute, and owners will insist they are friendly just like any other dog, yada yada yada. Except they are the preferred pets of meth dealers to guard the stash while they are replenishing ingredients at Wal-mart. Pit bulls were bred to have heads like anvils and vice-like jaws. They look like steel-toothed pot-bellied pigs.

I’m surprised the GOP wants to remind TV viewers about an analogy whose punchline is lipstick.

Lipstick cannot disguise a pig, and it’s not going to disguise Sarah Palin.

Just say no, Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin familyExactly who is John McCain pandering to by adding Sarah Palin to the ticket? Talk is that he’s hoping to hook the evangelical crowd, but he’s obviously missing a few key bits of information.

Conservative Christians do not put their women in positions of authority over men. Ever. In my former church, women were not allowed to preach to the general congregation because this was seen as unbiblical, and a condescension to their male counterparts. Believe it or not, they aren’t even permitted to lead the “praise and worship” musical segment of the Sunday service for the same reason. Jezebel can forget about the support of evangelical males.

As for females, they present an even peskier problem. Christian women have strong opinions about the roles of wife and mother. In my experience, few evangelical wives are employed full-time outside the home. Their lives are about rearing godly children and glorifying their husbands. Many consider themselves helpmates, subordinate to their husbands and the church. They are not going to view Sarah Palin as a sister in Christ. She resembles a Biblical harlot, not a Proverbs 31 role model.

There is a nonreligious unbridgeable gap here as well. In case you hadn’t heard, there is an ongoing feud between stay-at-home mothers (SAHMs) and women employed outside the home. The SAHMs claim the moral high ground in the area of child-raising and husband-tending, while the working women, especially those in traditionally male-dominated professions, cling to feminist values of independence, equality, and self-actualization. Ms. Palin — the working woman who calls herself a soccer mom — may strike both camps as an imposter. And many women, regardless of work status, will wonder why Sarah would leave five children, including a special-needs infant, to be used as a pawn in a good-ol’-boys ploy.

I feel sorry for Sarah Palin. She’s being used as hastily begotten arm candy to pretty up an ugly ticket. Things won’t go well for her this election season. In my opinion, she should have refused McCain’s offer. She should have thanked him for the honor of being asked, and then used the national spotlight to showcase who she really is. Not the life preserver he’d like her to be.