How many DUIs has Tiger Woods evaded?

I’ve lost count, how many times now has Tiger Woods been pulled from the driver’s seat of a wrecked car and not been held accountable for endangering public safety? The laws which restrict driving while impared are reasonable enough, but if the consequences seem too draconian for a cultural role model, then a relaxed enforcement ought to apply to every substance-abuser. especially one unlucky enough to roll his car while speeding through a residential neighborhood.

Uncelebrated schmos are instead hauled through courts, for-profit rehabs, traffic classes and the SR22 insurance scam. If social workers are leaning toward a less punative remediation for drunk drivers, that ought to apply to all victims of drug and drink, not just stars like Tiger Woods and Kevin Hart. Hart, you may remember, crashed his hot rod but had one of his injured passengers climb into the driver’s seat to take the blame, according the eyewitness first on the scene, who pulled Hart out of the crashed car.

I’m for leniency all around, celebrities are too evidently. Of course the kid glove treatment hasn’t curbed Tiger’s recurring impared driving…

Abe Obama Jordan Simpson Woods

Abraham ObamaLocal art luminary friends of mine are celebrating their election 2008 “Abraham Obama” project this weekend, end-capping a week where their President Nobel Laureate paid a midnight visit to his warriors in Afghanistan, signed an executive order to repudiate reproductive health rights of women, and today is scheduled to announce offshore oil drilling in Virginia. Surely there is a more apt figure against whom to compare Obama. Almost any other president would fall short. Warren G. Obama? Barack Taft? Actually I can’t conceive of anyone better than Dick Cheney.

My friends maintain this is more a tribute to Abraham Lincoln, highlighting his emancipation of the slaves, a black president being the ultimate result. I’d say morph his face into Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson if you want to pretend African Americans have come far enough by Lincoln’s hand. Or Bill Cosby, Sidney Poitier, OJ Simpson or Tiger Woods.

Tim Tebow here’s your sign

Football-Ephesians-Tim-Tebow-Bible-Eye-BlackFootball evangelist Tim Tebow is at it again, proselytizing with his sportsman mascara. This time it’s Ephesians, something about how you’re saved by your belief in Jesus, regardless your deeds. It’s the same mentality that has Americans crusading against the Islamic world, desecrating humanity with an impunity sanctioned by blind faith. It’s the same mindless arrogance that emboldens Brit Hume to call Tiger Woods to Christianity, whose American tradition has it that all your mother killing and father raping will be forgiven. In Hume’s world, Tokyo Rose was tried for inciting war crimes. Hume doesn’t recognize that he’s guilty of worse. In Hume’s Christianity, apparently only Buddhists reap what they sow.

What is the point of the messaging in the eye black? Is it merely more ad space, like the helmets with the American flag decals, or uniforms with the Nike logos or embedded Swooshes, Gatoraid patchs and corporate sponsors of whichever bowl? Dark patches beneath the eyes might be nature’s way of easing the trauma of bright light on hangover sufferers. If the black light-sinks work, then Tebow’s white on black script most certainly impedes his vision.

It was always my impression that football players marked their faces with shoe polish like it was indian war paint, to give themselves a menacing look. I think that’s more Tebow’s motif, to intimidate with self-righteousness.

In which case, the I’m-better-than-you scripture reference would seem more along the lines of the sign which restaurants post above the coat rack: not responsible for stolen items, although common law dictates that if you are seated beyond line of sight of the garments you shed, the restaurant is responsible.

Tim Tebow informs us, through Ephesians, that he has chosen to follow God’s will for him, that his lifetime consist of playing American football. Whether they understands it or not, Tebow and company vitalize the spiritual center of America’s culture of violence. We kick ass, and hold God responsible.

Tiger Woods leaves a voicemail

Tiger Woods and wife Elin Nordegren“Hey, it’s, uh, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Um, can you please, uh, take your name off your phone. My wife went through my phone. And, uh, may be calling you. If you can, please take your name off that and, um, and what do you call it just have it as a number on the voice mail, just have it as your telephone number. That’s it, OK. You gotta do this for me. Huge. Quickly. All right. Bye”

Barack Obama, Sun God!

Barack Obama is our unlikely Sun God. America has suffered an 8 year long total eclipse of The Light of The Sun, birds have stopped chirping, and crops have stopped growing. Isn’t it time for the Sun God to step forth once again, and show that The Empire is still the source of all light? We’re talking real change here, are we not?

Barack Obama is like a Rock Concert! He is the Sun Rising over the cold of night. Be gone vampires! He is the True Cross! Your death will no longer hold sway!

You can see why I am excited about Obama. He is young and reminds me of John F. Kennedy and Tiger Woods both. He is like a Bobby Kennedy and Michael Jackson song from way back then! He is like a young John Denver! It is as clear as night and day, that Obama is Sun, and Dubya is Night! From the fear of death comes life! Vote Barack Obama, Sun God!

It’s all very exciting. With just a bumpersticker to the car, and a vote, America can be returned to all its former glory! It’s easy; it’s fun! Vote Sun!

Olympics politicized

The Olympic looks like a rich man’s game.
An exclusive country club of photogenic faces,
the exceptions of which stand out rudely against
the art-directed scenes and so are avoided by the cameras.

In this age of Tiger Woods,
African physical prowess on white turf,
where are the black swimmers? black gymnasts?
black beach-volleyball stars?

And it’s all stars. I saw an unknown come in second
in the bike marathon. The news people didn’t know
anything about him, there hadn’t been a profile,
his win was unexpected, he was a Portuguese.
They ignored him. Perhaps he had not been vetted.
We saw him only in long shot.

And all those chances the athletes get
in front of the camera, to say something,
to speak out against what’s happening in the world.
The diciplined and obviously intelligent athletes
no doubt have an opinion, a normal average consciousness,
but nothing.

The Olympics should not be politicized?
But they are politicized with the Iraqi soccer team.
The Iraqi soccer team was a “Rocky Balboa story,”
overcoming the odds, flown in by British troops,
no longer in jeopardy of Uday’s wrath.

The Bush people are using the Iraqi team in ads,
and the media are using them to drive a point home.
I heard an NBC commentator say -actually say-
when contemplating the Iraqi team:
“It’s as if the world were at peace.”