Tag Archives: Ebay

Yeah, That’s right, I’m saying the U.S. Navy committed piracy

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revengeThe day was 20 March 2014. Eastern Med. N Korean tanker Morning Glory departs from a port disapproved of by the American Corporate Police State. The New Libyan Puppet Dictatorship gets a call from the U.S. that the “rebels” had been intercepted and that the oil, claimed by the ‘Oil’-igarchy, is to be turned over to the Puppet “democracy”.

The picture is a “quick sloppy” but the issue at the top shows the front cover. It’s for sale on Ebay as a collectible but I don’t give a damn by whom. Piracy. The date, sometime in 1978. National Lampoon magazine publishes a “revenge” issue.

Showing on the cover is a person who is clearly Arab being punched in the face.

Why and how is it “revenge”? Because the OPEC ‘cartel’ demanded the price they wanted for THEIR property from the US/British Oil Cartels. Oh my, those dark skinned people need to be punished for their impudence. One of the suggested “revenge” tactics suggested was “what if a lot of American Navy crews uh.. “mutineed” and ehrr “Stole” their ships. It wouldn’t be our fault if these Bad Fellows became the Terrors of the Seven Seas, now would it? (Queen Elizabeth I did the same thing to the Spanish)”   Which is true, the English DID that. It goes on with a US submarine with a skull and crossbones (!) flying and the legend “Yo ho ho and $2 a barrel for Arabian crude!”

So now, according to the not-very-abandoned-or-even-noticeably-modified Bush Doctrine, the Navy thieves and murderers don’t even have to mutiny to enjoy their fantasies about being Captain Hook and Captain Kidd and Blackbeard and Long John Silver. The American Taxpayers subsidize their piracy on behalf of the richest 1% who skirt paying their own way through taxes as quickly as they dodge military service for themselves and their demon spawn piglets.

They get to sit around on their fat arses collecting the blood money and not pay nor fight nor work to earn the spoils.

That’s what we of the “Peasant” class get to do for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denver art student informs Tale of Two Hoodies with Goya’s Third of May 1808. This KKK cop executes the black child.

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A Tale of Two Hoodies
DENVER, COLORADO- Here’s what the Denver Post article didn’t explain about the Denver high school art student who was pressured to remove her controversial piece from public display. Where was it being shown? At the Wellington Webb Building. That’s not irrelevant because it’s where viewers became offended. You could go inquire about the incident, if you knew where to ask, or where to protest the work’s removal. The WELLINGTON WEBB BUILDING downtown on Colfax. What’s so controversial, the scene is real isn’t it? There’s more.

The student’s drawing is essentially a reproduction of Michael D’Antuono’s 2014 piece “A Tale of Two Hoodies” which still sparks outrage. Missing in this version is the bag of Skittles which the black child offers the cop, locking the two figures in a standoff. Or obviously a mugging. The Skittles of course recalls Trayvon Martin and we know how that ended. The hands in the air references “Hands Up Don’t Shoot” and Michael Brown who shared the same fate.

Original 2014 workAll else about the Denver student’s contextualization of D’Antuono’s work is the same, the confederate flag uncovered from beneath the wallpaper of Old Glory. In the student’s piece the American flag appears worn through. In D’Ontuono’s original the racist flag has bursted through. The cop and hood are the same, except in the original the cop was maybe more fat.

What’s also missing in the DenPo whitewash is the context of the unamed student’s assignment. She was tasked with contextualizing TWO works. The influence of the second piece is not as apparent as the first. The boy’s hands-up wasn’t merely recalling the mantra of the Black Lives Matter movement, it was evoking the student’s other chosen influence, Goya’s famous “The Third of May 1808.” In that iconic work, a firing squad is executing a rebel with outstretched arms.

KNOWING THIS, you can see the student’s policeman has drawn his gun for an EXECUTION, not an arrest. The boy is not following an order or raising his hands in surrender. If even in resignation, this boy’s upheld arms communicate a plea. How does that inform you about this young Denver student’s understanding of “Hands Up Don’t Shoot” or “I Can’t Breathe”?

The officer’s Klan hood certifies that this shooting is a lynching. Many lynchings in the traditional sense were perpetrated by deputized citizens.

Denver Chief of Police Robert White said of the student’s work: “I’m greatly concerned about how this painting portrays the police.” Well sure, and Chief White didn’t know the half of it.

Should you go complain at the Wellington Webb Building? The Denpo article mentions Chief White intends to “have a conversation with the student and her parents.” You may want to caution that the Office of the Independent Monitor be invited attend that conversation, as a ride-along so to speak, to assure it isn’t the one-sided transaction to which we are becoming accostomed and inured.

Does Chief White think that racially enhanced officer involved extrajudicial executions should not be a student’s concern? He needs to look past what offended him and try to understand the art piece before he forces a conversation. Or what kind of conversation will it be. The student has already made her statement.

FOOTNOTE:
Here’s what Michael D’Antuono had to say about his original work. I’ve updated the original broken links:

This painting, created during the Trayvon Martin case, symbolizes the travesty of racism in the criminal justice system. It has been the object of much controversy and censorship. In 2014, I was Incensed that George Zimmerman was trying to profit from his notoriety for killing an unarmed teenager by auctioning his painting on eBay. In response, I put this piece on eBay with half of the proceeds going to the Trayvon Martin Foundation. The very same day Zimmerman sold his painting for $100,000, and as soon as it became evident that my piece was on par to pass Zimmerman’s mark, eBay shut mine down for violating their strict policy of not selling anything on their site glorifying hate groups or showing anything symbolic of the Klu Klux Klan. The hypocrisy of eBay was that at the time they killed my auction, they were selling over 1500 other items related to the KKK. Misrepresenting it’s meaning, a hate group co-opted the piece in 2015, passing out flyers in Southfield, Michigan. In 2016, a high school teacher in Nevada, was suspended for using the painting to inspire critical though.

Al-Qaeda combat-tourism deluxe pkg?

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Combat-tourism has never been more accessible, by simply enlisting with state forces you have a license to hunt in a war zone. Today’s ROE pretty much mean open season. If you can’t make the military commitment, negotiate a contract with a private mercenary firm where the conditions are riskier but the limit on civilians is irrelevant. How long before real adventurers can hire safaris to bag the most coveted trophy according to world-sentiment, a US soldier? Al-Qaeda al-Shmaeda –no need to join a West-hating jihad– I’m talking about embedding with a military contractor who shoots both ways.

Who knows that this doesn’t happen already? Assuming US military affiliated contractors have scruples about which direction their paid bullets fly, those suffering agency oversight can subcontract their authorized black-ops missions, dropping paying-customer Rambos into the field as insurgent terrorists.

Assuming no scruples addresses why hired-guns are reviled in the first place. Neither defending their home, their honor, or a nationalist construct like “Freedom,” mercenaries go to war for the money. If a privateer contracts himself to Big Oil, or corporate whomever, what qualms should he have to serve Joe Blow Adventure-seeker who simply wants to bag some arrogant American Armies of One?

Actually, US casualties serve the war machine more effectively than US victories when you consider the bigger picture.

The scenario is a win-win-win. US corporate partners can charge the Pentagon $1K/day for the manpower, the DoD can expense it in their “surge” development budget, and a combat-tourism subcontractor can charge you for the thrill of pulling the trigger. I can already see the posting on Craigslist or Ebay, a fortnight’s trek with Xe Xtreme LLC, all the GIs you can shoot, we supply the AK47s and RPGs, what am I bid?

For the homicidal veteran dishonorably discharged –we can only wish– longing to get back to the action, for the Dubai bachelor who has everything, for the Great White Hunter who faces too many warrants for poaching endangered predators. These already comprise the mercenary contractor corps. The elite combat enthusiast with something to prove wants to put Kevlar in his cross-hairs. The more invincible the US forces pretend, the higher the allure.

Good news that image is fading.

Tim DeChristopher urban eco warrior

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Tim DeChristopherI am neither handy with a monkey-wrench, nor am I much of an outdoorsman, but when environmentalist Tim DeChristopher took the eco fight to a federal land lease auction, it was an example of disruptive activism for which I know I am qualified. There is an undisturbed comfort in thinking one person cannot make a difference, even if just in lacking for ideas how. Dare I say for most of us, now DeChristopher and Ebay have closed that loophole.

This week, Ken Salazar, the new Secretary of the Interior, moved to invalidate the Utah land-use leases which Bush & co tried to give to the extraction industries in the last minutes of his administration.

But back in December, Tim De Christopher and his fellow activists had no way of knowing that those leases would not be exploited. Tim was frustrated by the seemingly ineffectual picketing outside the Salt Lake City building where the auction was being conducted, so he went inside, where he discovered he was treated as any other potential bidder.

Democracy Now covered the story when it happened December 22, and interviewed DeChristopher again after Salazar’s action. NPR picked up the story this week, and added an interview with one of the culprits who DeChristopher had disrupted: indignant Kathleen Sgamma, director of government affairs at the Independent Petroleum Association of Mountain States.

utah-federal-leases

Monday OCT 20 election rescue mission

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HELLO COLORADO SPRINGS- How is this for a busy Monday?
6AM-8:00AM -Sky Sox Stadium: welcome chorus for Sarah Palin
9AM – County Commission: public comment on Bob Balink abuses
12AM – Monday noon antiwar vigil (half-hour PEACE break!)
12:30AM-2PM – CC student EARLY VOTING MARCH downtown
Sky Sox Stadium Springs

incontinent and incompetentI can’t say I can remember a Monday I’ve anticipated more! If you like to engage in appropriate public displays of self-righteous behavior, you couldn’t ask for bigger assholes to target.

Sarah Palin and Bob Balink, no kidding, they are two sides of the same, one sided wooden nickel! A BUFFOONALO nickel?

Wouldn’t “ignorant, incompetent, mean-spirited, ethically-challenged and liar” fit both of them?

– 6AM (Sky Sox Stadium)
Wear white to make the supporters wearing red look bloody. The Colorado Women Against Palin are planning an action. Here are some ideas for suggested signs to welcome Sarah Palin, the GOP’s under-vetted KKK/secessionist/puritanic/greed/corruption/doofus candidate:
GO, SARAH, GO; HOME, SARAH, HOME!
ALASKANS PLEASE IMPEACH YOUR CORRUPT GOVERNOR!
RACIST BIGOT, YOU BETCHA!
SILENCE THE VIOLENCE
WE DON’T NEED THE KKK
I CAN SEE THE END OF YOUR POLITICAL CAREER FROM MY HOUSE
POLAR BEAR MOMS SAY NO TO PALIN
CORRUPTION IS NOT PATRIOTIC
McSHAME ON PALIN
LYING IS NOT A FAMILY VALUE
HEEL YOU MESSIANIC FREAK
PALIN: ELECT ME – I’LL SELL THE CONSTITUTION ON EBAY
TROOPERGATE ABUSE: BAD DOG SARAH

Check the Denver protest for more ideas.

– 9AM (El Paso County Commission meeting)
Suggested message to Clerk & Recorder Bob Balink, to challenge his every-election-year counter-democracy unfunny illegal pranks.
ARREST BOB BALINK FOR VOTER INTIMIDATION!
SUPPRESSING THE VOTE IS UNDEMOCRATIC

Where’s the independence on Independence Day?

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American FlagThe Fourth of July is celebrated as America’s ‘Independence Day’ but where’s the independence? Sure, you’re free to get drunk, barbecue up some meat product on the grill, shoot fireworks off dangerously, and run your mouth about why one just supposedly has to vote for McCain or Obama, BUT…

Yes, but where’s the independence in Independence Day? If you have low expectations don’t worry about it OK? But some of us do think about it some and we’re still working on obtaining Independence for ourselves, our families, and our communities. There’s really little to celebrate yet.

Look, Independence Day was a flawed day from the very beginning, and just like our many other very flawed national holidays like ‘Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, etc., it just lacks real substance big time. Can’t you sense that? The Fourth of July is just a very shallow celebration, with the flag waving and all. Americans do not have independence. No, we have no more independence than a group of serfs under the King once did. We are merely blinder and more ignorant than the serfs were, it seems.

We live in a top down authoritarian society, and our lives are ordered around to the most minuscule detail. The not so hidden hand of authoritarianism is everywhere, and it tells us how to think, and what to do. Many of the more daft of us don’t see it much though. We’re too busy earning the bread, shopping for bread, and shitting to notice how society is actually arranged. We don’t quite know why so many of us are miserable?

We see the guns, we see the orders, we see the lack of respect, but many of us just can’t seem to figure anything out. So some go to church, some take dope, some just smoke their cigarettes. Some sell Mary Kay, some sell real estate, some sell Amway, or do Ebay. Some play the lottery, some play Bingo, some shoplift for their gambling instead. Indian Casino anybody?

All this supposedly is a sign of liberty and independence, according to the pundits! Watch TV, play public radio on KRCC… you’ll see what I am saying. They’ll do their puff pieces about the Fourth.

But seriously? Where’s the independence on Independence Day? I don’t see it. It’s just not there.

Ugly Dolls more than skin deep

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Handcrafted to look sloppyDo you remember several years ago, when Ugly Dolls crawled out of the Cabbage Patch like that season’s Troll Doll? We have an obsession with fugly. Except they were trendy, hand sewn in someone’s attic and sold at exclusive boutiques, but had the aesthetic sophistication of sock monkeys, sharing 98% of their DNA.

Uglydolls were the must-have gift for those whose taste was thread-bare chic. These eclectic one-of-a-kind one-offs were, it appeared, sewn by a single hand, or at most by several one-handed cottage industrialists. The design called for single flat panels stitched together without too much care, with scraps fastened cockeye to form the features. Of course the price you paid for such deliberate off-the-wall on-the-mark anti-production-value plush toys reflected where you could get them. Melrose Avenue haute-suture or Ebay.

I found an Uglydoll display at a local boutique and saw the burgeoning cast of character-actors and side-kicks the collection has become. Plus now, to spare the mythical not-so-nimble seamstresses behind the first batch, these new generation Uglies herald from China. There is no good reason I suppose to deny the mass market access to the fruit of playful creative ninnies. But lo, the price tags are still show-off high! Is there no consumer benefit to derive from 55¢/hr wages?

Running shoes which are priced $150 at retail cost less than $2 to make. But we know Nike has to recoup an incredible amount for R&D. They’ve got us running on air for goodness sake, that technological leap had to be expensive. Plus someone’s got to pony up for the clever ads. Nike CEO Phil Knight doesn’t advertise just for the sake of his vanity.

The only engineering required with ugly plush toys is how to inject into the factory process the “slight variations which enhances [sic] their appearance of uniqueness.” Can you picture Chinese overseers enforcing deliberately sloppy -but fastidious- handiwork?

So why would the prices be kept so high? Even if sold only through specialty stores which require a 100% Keystone markup, there would still be leeway.

Can you do the math? Probably the labor expended to make one plush toy would remain constant over the varying production scenarios. Let’s compare the options: Manufacturing wages in the US have declined sharply, but at $12/hour, for how much did they have to sell the original Ugly? If we were considering a sweatshop in Los Angeles, the wage would be $4-$6/hour. So now we’ve half-ed it. Contracting a factory in Saipan or Guam, among the US possessions, would mean half again as much, $2-$3/hour and we’d still get to say MADE IN AMERICA. Moving the production to Mainland China means a prison wage of $0.55/hour. That’s less than 1/20th of the original cost.

Unless we hear news reports of Chinese laborers landing dream jobs sewing Ugly Dolls from straw to gold, somebody is making quite a grotesque, not even fugly, mark-up.

The incomparable WET-11

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Wireless Ethernet BridgeAre you thinking you’d like to have cable or DSL connectivity without the cable or phone bill? Do you live in close proximity to a number of wireless neighbors? Here’s what you could do: hook up a Linksys WET-11 bridge.
 
Plug the WET11 into your computer with a standard CAT-5 ethernet cable and you’re good to go. The bridge detects any available wireless network transparently. Your OS just acts like you’ve joined a LAN, but it’s the World Wide Area Network. Seamless.
 
ODDLY, the Linksys WET-11 is no longer on the market. Not so oddly, they are a hot item on Ebay.

A Wii of One’s Own

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wii.jpegVideo game playing in my household has never been a sedentary activity. I think that my boys, all three of them, came hard-wired with a gene that had lain dormant in human DNA for millions of years, waiting for the Japanese to self actualize. They are video game phenoms.

When my David was barely two, we got an English au pair who had apparently spent plenty of time in Cornwall video arcades. She taught him to play The Lion King. He was an amazing player from the start. He couldn’t speak yet, but he developed a whole video game language….a series of barks and whoops and shrieks reminiscent of Tourette’s Syndrome. He stood and leaned and squatted and ran back and forth. We once filmed him for America’s Funniest Home Videos. I know without a doubt that we would’ve won had we followed through.

We’ve had every Nintendo system invented. My boys reminded me every day for a month that the Wii came out November 19th. “Yes, yes, I know. You’re not getting one. I know what it will take and I’m not doin’ it. Deal with it.”

I’ll admit it. I have standing-in-line-in-the-dark-waiting baggage. The previously-mentioned English au pair once brought home two absolutely cute stuffed animals. A giraffe and a zebra. “Oh my gosh,” I said. “These are incredibly adorable. Where’d you get them?”

My first-born son, Brendan, was about ten at the time. Somehow, because of him, and partly because of my love of all things cute, cuddly and/or sparkly, we fell headlong into the Beanie Baby craze. I’ve stood in line in front of Little Richard’s, clad in a ski parka and mittens, clutching Starbucks and handwarmers, with myriad other weirdo collectors waiting for the “bear du jour” more times than I care to admit. We’ve dropped hundreds, if not thousands (sorry to the poor), of dollars on BBs.

Truthfully, Beanie Babies taught my children a lot about life and entrepreneurial pursuits. Once Bren said to me, “Mom, if I get $800 can I buy a Go-Cart?”
“Well, how much do you have now?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, okay. If you earn $800 I’ll let you buy a Go-Cart.”

Little did I know that my dad, a major coin and art collector, had been lured into the BB web. He took Bren to a weekend BB trading show in Denver and, yep, the boy came home $1000 richer. I was proud and amazed. Mostly I was horrified because Bren was able to purchase an obnoxious, street un-legal, very dangerous Go-Cart. To this day, a decade later, he is persona non grata at the Country Club of Colorado for racing across the greens late at night.

Then there was the Star Wars stuff. I recall when Toys ‘R Us, very inconsiderately, decided to sell the newly-released toys at midnight on a school night. “Oh, Mom! You have to take Brent and me there or we’ll get nothing!” So, gamely, I sat in my car, with pillow and down comforter, while the boys raced around collecting loot for two hours.

McDonald’s added joy to my life by topping their extra-big colas with a Star Wars lid. Brendan insisted that I take him to MickeyDs every day and then he sold the lids on a very new eBay to collectors in Britain for nearly $200 each. From a $2 soda!

You can probably guess the end of the story. My sweet boy, now 21, showed up on my doorstep with a Nintendo Wii for his younger brothers. He had to draft a friend, stand in line overnight, but he got the goods. Just like I used to for him.

Internet purchase wait-period plugin

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Want to buy something online? On a lark, found it on Ebay, need to buy it right away, without checking your closet for the one you have already? Here’s a little browser plugin that might break the instant gratification spell and give you a moment’s reprise to reflect and say oh, no no no.

It’s a browser plugin called the Wait-a-Bit Bug.

Here’s how it works. Once you initiate a purchase with your browser, the Wait-a-Bit Bug kicks in and asks for a validation number. This number will have been provided by your spouse. The rules of this inter-relationship cooperative effort will be that the number come from some object in the home, a serial number perhaps, or an expiration date. The plugin will provide the matching information already provided by your spouse: a description of where the number can be found. The partner wanting to make the purchase will now have to track down the item and type in the requested number. This task should provide the needed wait period in which to reconsider the appropriate quality of the purchase.

If you do complete the purchase, your partner is notified at the first opportunity that another item and identifying number must be selected. In this way, partner notification is enforced, and the purchase can be evaluated from differing perspectives, ensuring that one person at least will not be impartial and or indifferent.

If the buying behavior proves too compulsive to be affected by the wait period, the level of difficulty can be adjusted by selecting household items requiring searches of greater complexity. This strategy can incorporate the hiding of specified items, the specification of items which do not exist at all, as well as the recording of serial numbers deliberately mistyped. Hopefully these options can be agreed upon between the partners.

Kill Bush, Part Two

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I wrote a commentary here a couple of days back, that was titled “Kill Bush”. It went something like this… Kill Bush, Kill, Kill, Kill! I also called for the violent overthrow of our American way of life. I did stop short of advocating that we spit on images of Christ, or that we batter down church doors with neon crosses. I would like to ammend that, and now call exactly for such things to be done (being an atheist, why not?) So far, my appeals to organize such mayhem have gone relatively unheeded.
 
Still, I feel it is just a matter of time before others, like Julia of California and the al-Quaeda organization of Karachi, Pakistan, join together with me to carry out our attacks on the cartoonish Bush Adminstration. They should be fleeing to their bunkers even as I write this. We will do all this without the ass..istance of the Democratic Party though. They too are in the bunkers, hiding in fear.

Some have told me, “Tony, you are breaking the law by saying KILL BUSH!”. I would like to assure them, that not yet. I am still waiting for the delivery of my surface-to-air missile launcher I ordered from eBay to be delivered. Some have said, “Tony, you cannot shout Fire! Fire! Fire! in the theater. You cannot call for the shotgunning down of Dick Cheney!” But this is the age of NetFlix, and indeed, shouting Fire! Fire! Fire! in the context of watching a film at home is not yet determined by the 9 wise farts of the Supreme Deciders Club.

Some have worried that maybe I am a government agent provacateur, seeking to bring doom down upon our planet of the scattered wanderers without tribe race? That may be. They are everywhere in our matrix of FASCISM these government sperm. One can truly only be safe at the shopping mall these days.

I have heard it said, too, that one can legally call for KIlling Anybody, except but not for calling for the killing of our sainted President from the heavenly state of Texas. In that case, I didn’t say it. But let me just add, that I think we ought to blow up the Exxon Mobil cartel, located in my hometown of Irving, Texas, and start buying more gas from Venezuela’s demon-led CITGO to do it with . Conspiracy buffs might note that Oswald also hung around Irving back when I was growing up there. And I too, have held a copy of the Militant newspaper in my hand. In fact, I went to the school by the Texas schoolbook depository. Coincidence that we both have turned to terrorism? I don’t think so.

So render me if you will? Neighbor, call a torture taxi for me right now! And what a convenient place to have me flyed off from; Colorado Springs. How dare you threaten the King, King George. Heck, we might have let you off if Slick was still in, but this is a crime of immense proportions calling out KILL BUSH.

KIll, Kill, Kill Bush! Shall I soften this for delicate folk and call out only KILL BUSH POLITICALLY!??? Nah. It just doesn’t sound right. And besides, you know you want to do it too, just like Julia and I have done. So stick with your IMPEACH BUSH shtick as you will, and let them call for the terror taxi for me and Julia. Free Speech was once protected in our country. It was allowed to shout OFF WITH HIS HEAD!, even Bush’s. And I think it still is.

Seriously, people. Check out this commentary about Julia and the Visit Counterpunch Maybe it says it better than I do?

Jarts

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JartsDo you remember the good ol’ days when we were reckless and free? Unencumbered by good sense and family responsibilities? When we were able to get together with friends on a sunny day, have some hot wings and cold beer, and play a dangerous little game called Jarts? Yard darts, lawn darts, whatever you recall, were steel-tipped weighted mega-darts that one hurled gleefully into the air toward a yellow plastic circle across the yard. It was truly a “team” sport because everyone at the party had to pay close attention to the action to avoid being impaled in the temple. The wayward dart was most likely tossed by the belle de jour in a polka dot sundress (oh! how we laughed!)…the “new girl” once again brought by Ashton Chase, our friend with connections to Chase-Manhattan. Dammit, Ashton. Stop it. Think about us for a change.

We were the only people with a kid at the time…a preschool-aged boy. I know for a fact that one of his fondest childhood memories (oddly, he remembers this in slo-mo) is of 6 adults dropping full beers in unison and racing across the yard to body check him into a fence to save his life. Kind of a boozed up backyard version of Swan Lake. Without the tutus. Well, except for Ashton.

Sadly, they have made the game of Jarts ILLEGAL. I don’t know who “they” are. Whose job is it to troll back alleys, looking for young people having fun, and then steal our toys and jump up and down on them in black Gestapo boots while we hold our blankies and our beers and sob aloud at the spectacle? Yes, them. They took our darts and our plastic rings and left us with no way to amuse ourselves.

That’s when we starting smoking pot. Dang it! They’ve got us here too. Not only have they made our harmless little substance illegal, they’ve made pretty little glass sculptures with rubber hoses and small pieces of very thin paper off limits as well. What a bunch of fuddy duddies. Puh-lease. Let us have our fuuuuunnnnnn! We are functioning members of society, doctors and lawyers and brokers and developers and financial analysts, all of us. Now we can’t smoke pot and play jarts in the privacy of our own yards? Well, then we quit. We are all going to go on welfare and stop paying our mortgages and and mowing our useless lawns and wasting our time volunteering with the PTA.

Actually, I have a better idea. I was on eBay this morning trying to buy a set of illegal lawn darts and I noticed that, instead of the $14.99 I remember, a used (vintage) set of crappy darts is going for more than $200 (and are to be used for nostalgic display purposes only). And, pot. Well, we all know what a nice sticky bud of Wowie Maui is going for these days (okay, I’ve dated myself and revealed that I don’t actually smoke pot but I still like it conceptually). Perhaps we should walk away from the rat race and make our fortunes selling reasonably harmless illegal things! Yes! We could each play a role in the family business. I, the CPA, could count the beans and file the tax returns (oh, wait, tax free! ha!). Tad, the broker, could invest the profits and set up retirement accounts for each of us. Ashton, the banker, could fund our start up costs. Betsy, the attorney, could get us out of trouble and Dave and Tim, the doctors, could act as money launderers. Chris, the developer, could find us a place to grow our inventory. The only thing we need is a horticulturalist to help us with the hydroponics. Horticulturalists? Any takers? Why don’t we know any horticulturalists? Dang.

Come to think of it, I think we’ll start manufacturing and selling yard darts as well. At $200 a pop, it won’t take long until we we’re ready to retire en masse and move to gentler climes. Sipping mai tais, swimming with dolphins, playing limbo. Just like the good ol’ days.

I hope they outlaw beer pong as well. Bora Bora, here we come.