"WHY DID YOU GIVE HER SEXUALITY!?" asks the geek tasked with debugging the anthropomorphic robot. Except they didn't. Unless by sexuality you mean just the "female" bits and transluscent circuits where her belly and cranium should be. These filmmakers gave Ms. Machina just the tangibles to titillate pre-sexuals: tits, ass, and a face for, um, facials. Their ideal is basically a blowup doll, upgraded to show off CGI; the Bionic Woman pared of nonessentials for viewers fixated on orifices; imagine the Six Million Dollar Man a cyborg whose flesh parts are lips and phallus. For male heterosexual tastes, a nubile female would have a womb. Otherwise the bare midriff would not be a thing. Nor belly dancing. But no mate of any age can lack a cranium. And a soulmate needs a soul. I think we can say the soul lives in the heart, but I'm pretty sure we manifest its presence under the cranium. A sexual mate, even as a sexual object, must be "all there" in the head, or is that just me? The film "Her" pared the romantic partner down to a disembodied voice, this film preserves the body but disembowels her. Presumably the filmmakers screen-tested their heroine on a focus group. If the results decided which virtues a virtual sex object requires for allure and which could be dispensed to skimp on parametric objects, I'm not impressed. Is hair no longer an asset to attractiveness? Ex Machina takes our depilation fetish to its nadir. Spoiler: I haven't seen the rest of Ex Machina. Does she have toes? Why or why not? How could she not have toes? And what about "chemistry"? By chemistry I mean whatever electricity or scents we exude to guide ships in the night. Okay, no doubt biomechanical robots can be modelled to emit pheromones, but I'm sorry that's about as romantic as boutique soap. Whatever social commentary we are to make of this "high concept" thought experiment, I'm reminded of attending a lecture given by a geek who Time Magazine listed among the world's most influencial people. He had coined the term "virtual reality" or some such and had shaped what the internet has become. I wondered why we entrust social engineering to antisocial engineers, then look to them as philosophers endowed with clarevoyance. With arrested adolescents for our gurus, of course "the internet is for porn."
Tag: Sexuality
Ugandan bombs herald “Al-Shabab” Terror? group, U.S. Domestics hold record.
Is it new Terror Threat, set to replace al Qa'eda as Boogieman Number 1? Ewww... Well, three dead in Albuquerque "Bring your explosive-spewing dildo to work day" incident... Thus bringing the death tolls from the al-Colt, al-smithandwesson, al-ruger,and al-remington Terror factions up to eleventy-bazillion (only an approximation) These organizations are sects of a Satanic movement worshiping militarism, corporatism, and other forms of organized and/or purely random Mass Murders. Most of their victims, just as in the al-Buquerque faction Terror Shooting, involve friends, coworkers and family of the shooters. The shooters are recruited by the Corporatist faction and are usually frightened child-men who have been sold the ridiculous notion that arming themselves heavily and risking killing their family, coworkers or friends will make their Mental Health issues "go away". The numbers of Civilians killed domestically keeps pace with or outstrips the numbers of U.S. soldiers killed in wars. But these things make the bearers "safer". The Accidental shootings encouraged by this "Cult of the Rambo" are usually also the family or friends of the deluded Cult Members. Why exactly their Families and Co-workers are a separate group from their "Friends" is one of the Great Mysteries of the Cult. Repeated viewings of Gun Porn such as "Rambo", "Death Wish" "Die Hard"<<--(not very well hidden sex innuendo there) "The Green Berets" and just about any Historically-hysterically inaccurate "western" movie, especially starring John Wayne, in a not-very-surprising twist financially backed by the Same Corporatist Death-Priesthood who sell the guns, reinforces the feelings of helplessness and fears that would only be soothed by possession of more and more guns. The higher caliber and/or more explosives used in the guns supposedly, as portrayed in the Gun Porn Movies/video-games/Commercials for the Deathworship Priesthood, makes you feel safer and gives you a longer lasting orgasm when you Kill Other Human Beings. It's a substitute for Masculinity. Telling the poor stupid bastards who are sucked into this overtly sexual Cult any of these details inevitably results in at the very least Name-Calling in which the ones who purchase lots of Replacement Penises question the masculinity of anybody who points out that the Cult Members are essentially not satisfied with or confident with their own Sexual prowess. This sometimes escalates into threats which are rarely carried out against the people who point out these facts. More often they're carried out against other individuals, family and co-workers mostly, who for some reason make the shooters feel emasculated and helpless. Or blindly strike out at random strangers. In other news, the person who opened fire on a middle school in a Denver suburb not far from the scene of another Mass Terrorist Protest Against Perceived Emasculation shooting had taken place (Columbine High School), who was wrestled to the ground and disarmed by two people who themselves were NOT carrying "heat", has plead "Not guilty by reason of Insanity" and been remanded to the State Hospital in Pueblo, Colorado for psychiatric observation. The bad news is, the Other Members of the Cult are
Remember the Y2K plot?
The one that was supposedly broken by U.S. Customs on one side of the border and the RCMP on the others. That would be Customs before they became the Terrorist acronym "ICE", under the Liberal Bill Clinton, and the Canadian Cops, who, according to the Right Wing Screaming Club, are wimps whose idea of Torture is serving the tea with 2 sugars instead of3 a tad cooler than it's supposed to be served and forgetting to begin and end a sentence with the word "Sir". Seems the Rush Limbaugh "professional torturers" who know all there is to know about the Law, the Constitution that is the basis of that Law and how to interrogate people, wanted to have instead of a usual method of arresting, booking, and charging a Human Being with a felony, wanted to skip straight to the pulling out of fingernails, waterboarding and Crucifixion. Seriously, Right wing freaks, listen up... Torture is a sex crime, a violent rape. The persons who engage in torture are in fact Rapists. You would commit our national security into the hands of Perverted Assholes who get sexually aroused by human beings screaming in pain. They need a check-up from the neck-up, not a cushy government job, not guaranteed unlimited immunity from prosecution from their Violent Sexual Predator Rapes. And the MORONS who support these policies of allowing Torture Freak Sadist Rapists to hold the lives and deaths not only their bound and helpless victims but also the lives and deaths of Americans everywhere who are put at risk because they're wasting their time and our money Getting Their Pathetic Little Rocks Off. If you're Stupid enough or Insane Enough to trust YOUR safety, and of course mine, to people who are that Mentally Off-Balance that they enjoy, sexually, the pain of others then you also need a Check-up from the Neck-up.
What to do with that prick?
A US analysis of data has thrown a new loop into what to do with the world's pricks? I know that many women are especially interested in this question, especially America's nurses, who often debate this question amongst themselves for hours at a time. Shocking, but true.... but Circumcision HIV impact doubted!
Sexism and the City
I've been revisiting old episodes of Sex and the City a lot lately. It's a fun show for a girl to watch. New York City neighborhoods, ultra-chic fashions, Manolo Blahnik shoes, ever-changing hairstyles. And an endless stream of nameless but memorable lovers. The show becomes decidedly less fun when any of the girls ends up in a serious relationship. Can a long-term partnership ever compare favorably to a brand new sex-soaked love fest? Surely not. I can handle Carrie and Mr. Big because Christopher Noth is incredibly dashing and always just a hair out of reach. And Charlotte can have Harry because she's the show's I-believe-in-love ingenue and she needs monogamy. But the relationship between Miranda, the successful attorney, and Steve, the soft-spoken bartender, is a huge drag to watch. Miranda is the least attractive of the girlfriends and her personality is off-putting. Brooklyn boy Steve-with-a-heart-of-gold is able to overlook her coarse communication style and soften her with his sympathetic ear and tender loving ways. Okay, fine. I could take that for a few weeks. But for some godforsaken reason the writers let this stupid relationship go on until Miranda winds up preggers, wants to abort, can't because Steve's so adorably earnest, has the baby, decides to keep Steve, blah blah blah. The writers should've killed them both off right then. There should be no happily ever after on Sex and the City. The whole point of the show is the friendship between the women. Men are unreliable, thus expendable. But girlfriends are forever. The thing I really hate about the Miranda-Steve relationship is the whole rich girl/poor boy thing. Charming initially but odious when morphed into powerful-manly-girl/emasculated-but-fighting-nobly boy. Financially secure Miranda is portrayed as shallow, greedy, hardened and immoral, while affable loser Steve is the white knight come to love her into domestic simplicity. Forget independence, ignore achievement, never mind separate identity. The message is that what we really want, in the deep recesses of our scarred hearts, is to give it all up to a good guy like Steve.
An obsession with the boyish figure
Was this magazine ad for Calvin Klein's OBSESSION FOR MEN controversial because it featured an underage Kate Moss disrobed, or because it winked at the greater fashion culture fixation masquerading as the androgynous waif look: the sexualized, pure, although suggestively available, almost shapeless, pretty, prepubescent boy?
More statistics to sleep on
I hear that less than 25% of the American public knows approximately how many US soldiers have died in Iraq. The total as of today is 3,986. Two other US statistics of note: of men in prison and teenage girls: The 4,000 death was predicted to fall a month from now, until a casual suicide bomber ambled up to a group of our soldiers. The death toll was five, though I find it beyond curious that Iraqi observers were insistent it had been six. ONE PERCENT of all Americans is behind bars. The number represents 7% of all Black Americans, 11% of young black males, and 3% of Hispanic males. The work gulag capitalist enterprise system in China boasts the next highest incarceration rate, where the percentage of the Chinese population imprisoned is 0.1%. One in four teenage American girls have an STD. That's three million girls aged 14-19. 48% of all black girls, 20% of white girls. In 18% of the cases the STD is genital warts.
Boeing and Torture- a local company’s business
Boeing is one of the military leech contractors who have their local Colorado Springs offices at the corner of Academy and Fountain, where Peace Activists have held several vigils, one just recently. Driver-byers hardly notice the place and that is much the way military leeches like to keep it. Mohamed Farag Ahmad Bashmilah was tortured under the direction of the US government, and in US courts is now suing a subsidiary of Boeing for having flown him on their 'rendition' flights. Aren't you proud to be an American? More about this case and another local military leech called CACI and their involvement in torture also. 'Black Site' Survivor Relates Horrific Tale
Hillary the Hoss
Zogby says that is there was an election today, that Hillary Clinton would lose to any and all of the top 5 Republican contenders for president. Does Zogby (like many pollsters) have a hidden agenda that he is using his crafted poll results to promote, or is Hillary the Hoss that unpopular for real? Let's face it, the voting part of the public, according to Zogby, currently would prefer Mormon Milt in office more than it would Hillary! Now that's a sign that the return of the Clintons is not something the public actually wants. But why not? I think that there are two reasons. First off, many think correctly that Clintonism is Bush-lite. We couldn't have gotten Dubya without first having a Slick in office. In Texas, we got Dubya after having mealy mouthed Ann Richards in as governor. Clintonism is kind of like a 'vaccine' to prepare us for the plague.... and we get it. We hurt so bad and then some demand to have 'the vaccine' back again even. It's a vaccine that makes you sick and sicker. Reason # 2 IMO is the sex division. Ditto heads amongst the male side can handle fascist minded idiots like Donald, Dubya, and Dick quite well, as can their ditto-headed wives who are accustomed to that mindset, and get it in heavy doses in their cathedrals and homes. But when the lineup is reversed, such as it was with Janet (Reno), Madelyn (Albright), and Hillary around, the ditto minded males begin to retch, grimace, growl, and become quite psychotic. That's alarming, too, to their women folk. They just want to protect their investments. So what big negatives Hillary has as Hoss in the hoss race! Strangely enough, conservative men prefer their corporate whores to be male, and not female. That's going to work against Hillary the Hoss. Apparently many top conservatives, even prefer all their whores to be male! That's a known fact now.. we just can't get away from it any longer. Still, Hillary the Hoss has quite a grip on The Machine and even Zogby's nay-saying can't probably break it. We are in for a truly comic 'election' so laugh through your tears if you can? The breakdown of society can get ugly when it was actually an insane asylum to begin with. We can rest assured that there is madness that lies ahead... Hillary or no Hillary as Hoss, the Boss.
Teletubby Tinky Winky and Prof Dumbledore are outed!
Telebubby Tinky Winky is outed! And in other breaking news, Professor Dumbledore's own mentor, JK, has turned on her own creation and revealed his deadly secret. Yes, Professor Dumbeldore likes young male Hogworts! I smell yet more literature ahead here for inquiring young minds coming from this wealthy writer! But Tinky Winky's career is probably over, as is Professor Dumbledore's. Now, can somebody clear up this nastiness about Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson?
Almost $1 billion payout in Southern California alone!
Remember back when the Catholic Church was trying to stonewall and lead the public into believing that the pedophiles in The Church were a minor and isolated aberration? That certainly has changed hasn't it? In the last 2 months the Catholic Church has had to fork over almost $1,000,000,000 in Southern California alone to their former victims of their pedophile priests! And how many victims more are there than just the ones now getting compensation? See the BBC report- US Church agrees sex abuse payout
Taps for Larry Craig? Maybe not.
My 9-year-old twins learned about stereotypes in school last week. Ever eager to share social messages they receive while in the hands of the state, knowing that hours of rollicking fun will result, they vomited the latest rhetoric gleefully into my lap. This is a picture of Dave Karsnia, the Minneapolis cop who took down Larry Craig. He received the Officer of the Year award in 2003 from none other than Dick Cheney, which somehow seems appropriate. Karsnia has, based on my limited exposure to all things gay, the look of a cute young, uh, gay guy. Without the adorable personality no doubt. I wonder what would've transpired if the officer had resembled Dennis Franz in NYPD Blue? Why isn't the gay community outraged that the state has hijacked its image and used it for nefarious purposes against them? Aren't we shielded from self-incrimination by the Constitution? Perhaps the Constitution was what Larry Craig was reaching for on the floor of the bathroom stall. To wipe his lyin' heinie. Thank god he didn't flush. Whatever. I actually wanted to post the transcript of a call made, before the big press conference announcing the intended resignation, by Craig to his attorney Billy Martin. Craig accidentally left the message on a complete stranger's phone. Mother of God. If I were his wife I would be so pissed. Larry! Good Lord, pull your head out now and then! "Yes, Billy, this is Larry Craig calling. You can reach me on my cell. Arlen Specter is now willing to come out in my defense, arguing that it appears by all that he knows that I have been railroaded and all that. "Having all of that, we have reshaped my statement a little bit to say it is my intent to resign on Sept. 30. I think it is important for you to make as bold a statement as you are comfortable with this afternoon, and I would hope you could make it in front of the cameras. "I think it would help drive the story that I’m willing to fight, that I’ve got quality people out there fighting in my defense, and that this thing could take a new turn or a new shape, it has that potential. Anyway, give me a buzz or give Mike a buzz on that. We’re headed to my press conference now. "Thank you. Bye." Go figure. I can't imagine that Arlen Specter is supporting Larry Craig for altruistic reasons. It certainly can't be indignation about civil liberties under fire, nor state-sponsored stereotyping. It must have something to do with partisan House politics. As usual. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.
Tucker Carlson sitting in a tree
Do you care whether Tucker Carlson head-bashed a gay man in a bathroom stall, or was on the receiving end, or wants to pretend he could have done it, or that it didn't happen at all? The point is, Carlson described it with a gay-bashing swagger, and his TV colleagues laughed about it like they would have loved to have been there. Gay bashing and laughing about it, is not only not PC, it's not acceptable. Tucker Carlson is a little creep for many reasons, and now for hate speech. Profuse apologies and commitment to sensitivity training or bye-bye. UPDATE: Oh my goodness. For some reason I thought Tucker Carlson and his bow tie were discovered on the Jeopardy Tournament of Champions. It turns out he's not even a graduate of Trinity College, he's connected. His father was a broadcaster, ambassador, head of the CPB, and they're related to the Swansons frozen food fortune.
Not a homosexual, Craig is a hypocrite
When he says "I did nothing wrong," does conservative Senator Larry Craig mean: I did not lead the attack against gay rights as well as carp on and on about Bill Clinton's impropriety? Was Larry Craig peering into your stall in the bathroom? No. He was sizing up a man who appeared to be lingering there while others pooped and went. Smells something of entrapment to me. I can see airport travelers complain about hearing sex acts in neighboring bathroom stalls, but not for fear of unwarranted solicitation. Why are policemen detailed to interrupt a time-honored last resort among few social options for closeted lonely guys? I believe Senator Craig when he says he's not gay. To a homophobic conservative, the idea of a male partner may seem dirtier than a quick lewd act to feed his nagging alter-ego. That said, I'm damn glad he's unmasked for the humanity-hater he is. The GOP plays by no rules. We should celebrate the rare occasion it works for the common good. Here he is calling Bill Clinton a "nasty, bad, naughty boy."
Undercover urinal duty
What's with up with Republican legislators and men's rooms? I love that the media is complicit in trying to limit the damage: disorderly conduct, 'nuff said. Though I also loved the subversively dismissive: what happened was "he said, he said." What are so many undercover cops doing in public men's rooms? If they are following these senators, fantastic. But I rather think they're targeting the usual suspects, gay men. I confess an unnatural aversion to public restrooms. So I didn't know they are out of control. Are they absolutely plagued by lonely homosexuals? Isn't the gay hookup in a public urinal a time-honored tradition? I'd think consensual sex is a rather victimless crime. Or do police departments get the complaint all the time that Boy George is bugging them in the boys bathroom, man can't pee in peace? I've never been solicited in a men's room. Does that mean I have yet to encounter a homosexual, a Republican senator, or it seems more likely, a cop?
I had to say something
James Harris has a great interview on Alternet with Mike Jones, friend and counselor of Ted Haggard. It is about his book, the one rejected by local lizard small shop keeper Poor Richard, and is titled, 'I had to say something'. Thank good he did say something, too. Jones is quite a contrast to many in America, who turn their back on the issues and turn their back on their own liberal communities and constituencies in cowardly, defeatist, and self serving manners. Leadership on issues and causes often can come from stranger quarters, while those who stand as leaders often or not leading. If you get this book ordered from elsewhere, be sure to go into Poor Richards, and let the employees know that their owner, Richard Skorman is a pathetic nitwit for not carrying the book in his bookstore. With Democratic Party tied 'liberals' like Skorman all over America, rest assured that their call to reform that political party is as weightless as the multitude of advocates for that political orientation themselves.
Resistance to gay marriage is inevitable
Gay Pride kicked off this week at the Avenue Bistro on Nevada where a banner on the terrace reads GAY MARRIAGE IS INEVITABLE. May I just say, not to dampen the optimism, but what an unfortunate choice of a taunt. Inevitable? Like death and taxes? Both are acknowledged certainties, but who relinquishes to either without a fight? Over my dead body would be my involuntary response, and I favor gay marriage. What kind of reaction does the gay movement expect to provoke from their detractors? The decline and fall of Roman Empire was inevitable, as most certainly shall be ours. Is such the inevitability gay marriage advocates want to conjure? The association would be foremost on the Colorado Springs Fundamentalist mind I would guess. Don't you see Sodom and Gomorrah haunting the imaginations of those resolved to protect the sanctity of marriage from the [sweaty] grasp of homosexuals? My biblical knowledge is limited, was there a sex act of preference in Gomorrah? The new Bistro banner replaced a straggler from last year's campaign, featuring the dog who mooed, a theme wisely euthanized (to injure the concept further). To my mind that poor dog was an incredibly ill advised analogy for diversity of sexual orientation. Accept him or not, celebrate him if you were so inclined, but a dog who said moo by definition was not natural.
John Howard, Australia’s lunatic leader
Just what type of man is John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia? The answer is that he is the spitting public image of George W. Bush, our own lunatic president. In other words, he's a bumpkin fool. Here he is, pushing legislation to outlaw pornography and alcohol for all Australians. Just kidding. He's just going to outlaw those baddies for aborigines! Aborigines face ban on alcohol and porn But only aborigines in one District! If they behave 1/2 of a year, then they can then drink and do pornography once again if Howard sez it's OK! Talk about blaming the victims for their problems, ay? What next? Requiring all Australian gays to wear condoms, while straights will not have that legal directive? With John Howard sniffing cane toad toxins, any ol' thing might go down? John Howard needs to be sent to Guantanamo for Australia's protection it seems. He supports what Guantanamo is all about anyway, and there he can partake of the strict discipline he is in favor of for Australian aborigines and other moral defectives. He's quite a bit defective himself. Where does the ruling class get these guys? Tom Tancredo for President anybody?
Let me show you Bad Writing
Poor Richard writes that his bookstore will neither carry the Ted Haggard expose nor host a book signing by its author Mike Jones, sex worker to reluctant habitue, Ted Haggard. Skorman can do what he wishes, but to say the reason is because the book is badly written is a cop out. Any bookseller in this city has to admit they carry a not inconsiderable mass of atrocious dreck. Bad books sell, and alas Richard's stand for a higher literary standard is the first to my knowledge. I think Jones' choice of an incompetent writer to ghost his Haggard Days memoir is likely spot-on for a Colorado Springs audience. What's the best selling book here? The home-grown LEFT BEHIND series! I guarantee you a fourth grader has not encountered less inspired writing. Not that our city is atypical, even today's NYT bestsellers play to a descending literary IQ. From Dan Brown to whoever is your cheesy favorite I've no doubt. This phenomena was clocked most distinctly when Stephen King was given the 2003 National Book Award for his contribution to [the sales of] American Letters. What a banner year it was, 2003. So why pick on poor male escort Mike Jones? I think it's pure political cowardice. The New Life Crew and their fallen gay-bashing leader have done irreparable harm to the progress of acceptance of homosexuals. Here's a chance to teach them something about from where comes their misplaced hatred, and Mike Jones stands without allies to do it. Jones is not an opportunist, he's a hero doing a dirty job. Maybe the right man for the dirty job, to crack a cheap joke, but if Jones was truly out for himself, he'd have taken a mega-fortune from a conglomeration of fundie gay-hating institutions interested in keeping Haggard in the pulpit. Remember Bill O'Reilly's non-consensual phone-sex while penetrating himself with a lifelike vibrating phallus? He and Fox paid an undisclosed fraction of a BILLION to make that story go away. If I knew THE BOOKMAN could handle the heat of accusations that we were only doing it for the attention --we've exceeded our limit, thank you KVOR creeps particularly-- my bookstore would of course host this reading and book signing. And I commend Jones for tastefully steering past whatever might have been the unwelcome lascivious play by play. I believe the Ted Haggard comeuppance is of capital importance for Colorado Springs, not to gloat about Haggard's suffering or about the humiliation of his flock, but to lift the veil from their self-hatred of homosexuals. Haggard is unrepentant about this by the way, and if I might offer a simplified analysis, he hates gays because he hates himself. What reason has he the temerity to suggest that we should hate them? Let's welcome Mike Jones to our town. Jones unmasked the Haggard hate monster, let him claim the lair. Jones can satiate our curiosity, feed the spectacle, accept our thanks for showing personal integrity, and move this story along. I most certainly think
The woman from Hell
Every so often a story in the news sort of grabs out at the reader. My first wife used to occasionally call me an 'aguafiestas', or a 'rainer on the party'. Hey, that's nothing compared to being an 'mordidafiestas', or 'party biter'. Beware the woman from Hell! 'Testicle attack 'That's yours'! lol... Well what else could the friend say?
An effort to lighten up and artistically improve this site
We don't get enough Arab culture here in Colorado Springs in my opnion, so in an effort to lighten up and improve this site I am linking to youtube once again. I hope that all of Not My Tribe's large viewing public will be able to enjoy this brief concert! The opening act is by the beautiful and very talented Amar Kamel! She really gets going towards the end.... and she can really shake her booty! And for the ladies, and all those that might have been less than totally satisfied with the opening act, check out Asi Haskal! He is guaranteed to not disappoint. Be sure to stay for the whole show, Ladies!
For longer lasting erections
Nigerian Episcopalian hatred leads to draconian homophobic legislation
How many times have we heard the sorry and hateful Right Wing Christian refrain, that 'We hate the sin but love the sinner'? Much more honest would be a retort to these people, that 'we hate the lie, and don't particularly respect you liars'. When the British Anglican Church appointed an openly homosexual man to be a bishop, the Nigerian Archbishop Akinola, leader of 18.5 million church sheep, decided to split the entire world Anglican Church last year. Many Episcopalians in the US used their own homophobia to follow along. So just what were they supporting? Well it turns out, the Nigerian Archbishop was supporting new legislation in Nigeria that would throw people in prison for five years if they openly showed in any way that they were gay! What a loving example of Christianity the archbishop is, NOT. How absolutely shameful and backward can Right Wing Christianity get? Ask Adolf and Pope Ratzinger, I guess? Though not Episcopalians, they might shed some light on where following Holy Scripture their way might ultimately lead? Not much has really changed it seems. Christian religious hatred is making a big comeback worldwide and this is sad news.
Dance for Virginity
Recently, at the Broadmoor Hotel: Following dessert, couples file into the adjacent ballroom. Seven ballerinas appear in white gowns with tulle skirts, carrying on their shoulders a large, rustic wooden cross that they lift up and rest on a stand. A woman cries as she presents each of their three ceremonial dances, one of which is called “I’ll Always Be Your Baby.” Afterward, two middle-aged pastors stand at the cross with heavy rapiers raised and announce that they are prepared to “bear swords and war for the hearts of our daughters.” The blades create an inverted “V” under which girls and fathers kneel and lay white roses that symbolize purity. Soon there is a heap of cream-colored buds wilting beneath the outstretched arms of the cross. This lovely ritual ended the Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball. A hundred couples--fathers dapper in tuxedos, daughters resplendent in backless floor-length gowns, long gloves and tiaras--gathered together to celebrate and pledge to protect the girls' virginity until marriage. Okay, I'm sorry. I cannot, for the life of me, think of anything creepier than being in a room full of middle-aged men knowing that each and every one of them, including my own father, is thinking about my vagina. My hymen more specifically, if Christian men even know that word. Thank God I grew up Catholic where I only had to pretend to be good. If my father would've suggested that he and I, or any of my three sisters for that matter, attend the Purity Ball to celebrate virginity, I would've perished on the spot. More likely I would've had sex with the mailman or my priest or someone, anyone, just to get out of going. "Too late, Dad," I'd say, bloodied and bedraggled. "I guess we can't go." When it’s time for dads and daughters to take the pledge (some informally exchange rings as well), the men stand over their seated daughters and read aloud from parchment imprinted with the covenant: “I, [father’s name], choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity….” The men inscribe their names and their daughters sign as witnesses. Then everyone returns to their meals and an excited buzz fills the room. Yeah, an excited buzz like "thank fucking hell that's over." I know, I shouldn't be so jaded. It's not like I'm exactly a fan of promiscuity. And I do think that a strong relationship with dad lays a foundation for future interaction with the male species. But this is just so icky. And, no surprise, ineffective. 88% of the pledgers go on to have premarital sex. Of course, with more than the usual dose of guilt. They are less likely to use condoms because that would mean planning to have sex. Best that it "just happens." They are more likely to engage in anal sex (PROTECT THAT FLOWER!), again sans condom, which is risky behavior. Thus,
Dick joke
Maybe I was the last to hear this joke: It followed the quite indiscreet news story that Indian males have less than average size penises. A recently released survey indicated that everybody else-sized condoms are too big in India. (Have you hear this joke already?) The special smaller sized contraceptives now being prepared for the Indian market are none other than the standard US Army issue condoms which the Defense Department has been supplying its soldiers to make them think they have large dicks.