Tag Archives: Humor

Right wing blogger asshole Andrew Breitbart died of shame, obviously

More likely gout. Obviously Breitbart’s body lacked the bilious elasticity of Bill O’Reilly or Rush Limbaugh. Speaking of which, were you in the loop on this email joke? A young black Limbaugh asks his mom; “Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?” To which his mother replied: “Don’t even go there Rush! From what I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”
Probably you’d find that joke more crude than either a Limbaugh or Breitbart mother would deserve, but imagine that the actual subject of the email was President Obama and his mother. The real story is that such an email was forwarded by Montana Chief US District Judge Richard Cebull to his inner circle, with the following personal note: “Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.”

Dear President Tar Baby…

I visited Colorado Springs, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt: BIGOTDoes anyone know if Rep. Lamborn really sent an apology to President Obama for calling him a Tar Baby?
Has anyone seen it? Lamborn’s office issued a press release saying “the congressman is confident that the President will accept his heartfelt apology.” News headlines regurgitated the story sight unseen. The Denver Post quoted Lamborn: “I am sure that he will not take offense and he’ll be happy to accept my apology because he is a man of character.”
How do we know an apology was sent? Because Lamborn says so? That dork told us Obama was a Tar Baby, luckily someone showed skepticism about that. This reminds me of the old gag about the man who returns to his parked car to find a note on the windshield: “Sorry I dented your car. I’m writing you this note so people will think I’m leaving my contact info, but I’m not.”

Until Representative Lamborn issues a public apology, or until President Obama acknowledges Lamborn’s contrition for such a preposterous racist remark, how is this insult to everyone’s intelligence and sense of humanity supposed to be lessened?

To judge by the lack of sensitivity shown in Lamborn’s press release, composed for the public, there couldn’t have been much by way of empathy in a private letter to Obama. Alleged. Try to find it online. Every news article about the purported apology links back to Lamborn’s press release. On his Facebook page, Lamborn has a link called “my apology to President Obama” but it leads to the same PR blurb below. (emphasis mine)

Lamborn Issues President an Apology

Congressman Doug Lamborn (CO-05) today sent a personal letter to President Barack Obama apologizing for using a term some find insensitive. Lamborn was attempting to tell a radio audience last week that the President’s policies have created an economic quagmire for the nation and are responsible for the dismal economic conditions our country faces. He regrets that he chose the phrase “tar baby,” rather than the word “quagmire.” The Congressman is confident that the President will accept his heartfelt apology.

Saying “I told him I was sorry” never passed muster in primary school, especially a pronouncement that was 3/4 filled with more insult. A child who’d offended another was made to apologize to his face, out loud. Why is Colorado’s asinine little congressman being given a pass on a transgression that reflects so unbecomingly on his community?

In response to the local fallout, Lamborn’s office has acquiesced to holding a public forum on Friday August 19. It’s outside of town, go figure, in a church pre-filled with dumb bigots, to ensure Lamborn’s supporters can find him. What’s he going to say there? “My statement wasn’t racist.” “Amen!” “It’s not Obama’s being black that makes him untouchable.” “Amen!”

A BIGOT may represent Colorado Springs, but an IDIOT is unqualified.I don’t want to go — what is there to say to him? I don’t even want to meet Lamborn’s unrepentant eyes, much less sit in an audience and give the stupid creep the impression what he has to say deserves a listen.

George Saunders on Sarah Palin

Excerpt from “My Gal” by George Saunders, one of my favorite funny but twisted authors.

“Explaining how she felt when John McCain offered her the Vice-Presidential spot, my Vice-Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, said something very profound: “I answered him ‘Yes’ because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink. So I didn’t blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.”

Isn’t that so true? I know that many times, in my life, while living it, someone would come up and, because of I had good readiness, in terms of how I was wired, when they asked that—whatever they asked—I would just not blink, because, knowing that, if I did blink, or even wink, that is weakness, therefore you can’t, you just don’t. You could, but no—you aren’t.”

The article devolves into the usual George Saunders weirdness, but it’s worth a few minutes, if for no other reason than to get a taste of Saunders himself! Read the full article in The New Yorker online.

I am being followed

Can we start a series called I’M BEING FOLLOWED? Why not! As we feed our paranoia, what with all the increasing surveillance, isn’t it likely we ARE being watched? Here are bound to be found some interesting tales.

I had just come from a conversation about potential protest detractors whose chief strategy is to try to provoke violence. They do it by saying such repugnant things that you want to hit them. They’re not violent themselves, but their intent is exactly that. They don’t have to call you a freak, but they could insult something you care about so much, your cause for example, that you feel compelled to stand up for it. In fact if they are insulting a third party, it’s all the easier to feel self righteous and magnanimous to escalate the vehemence of upholding their honor. The Defenders of Jerusalem is such a group, for example. In Denver they delight in goading the Native American rights groups. Go figure. The Minutemen are another, picking on defenseless immigrants.

Later in the day I was at the supermarket checkout and a woman behind me initiated a conversation. She was complimenting me on my shoes. I thought this was an odd opening line, as I knew my shoes were not particularly distinguishable, they were certainly not attractive. “I love your shoes” she must have repeated. I turned to see a plump frizzy-dark-haired woman looking down at the Tevas on my feet. I never saw her face. She explained, still not looking up, that they were made in the country where she was born, Israel. “Oh, I replied, they’re comfortable” I mumbled, even as it occurred to me that by coincidence I’ve been complaining to myself about them. Teva. I’ll have to go look them up.

Oompah Loompahs meet Jackass

Willy Wonka Oompah LoompahsBy all accounts, Seinfeld was a ground-breaking comedy. Purporting to be a show about nothing, it was in reality a pretty big something.

Unlike typical formulaic sitcoms, Seinfeld’s main characters had no roots, vague identities and a conscious indifference to morals. They also lacked any semblance of couth, which was key to the show’s success.

Seinfeld was funny not because it was about nothing, but because nothing was off the table. Racial stereotyping, anti-Semitism, masturbation, impotence, faked orgasms, personal hygiene issues, birth control — everything was comedic fodder. Jerry and the gang bulldozed political correctness into the dust and made us laugh, if uncomfortably, in the process.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when last week’s decade-old episode featured 6-foot-3-inch Kramer and his new midget friend, Mickey. I’m sure the relationship was funny at the time, but in today’s Hollywood diminutive actors are commonplace. I don’t know if the dwarf population has increased, or if “little people” are simply willing to be exploited by reality show dimwits. In any case, the bloom is off the mini rosebush.

All that said, I’ll bet Jerry Seinfeld would find something funny about ubiquitous midgets.

Midgets pulling a plane

A soldier gets home, walks into a bar…

There’s a soldier’s witticism being attributed to General Tommy Franks, which goes like this: “When you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend because she knows she’s dating a pussy.” Is it an old Vietnam era joke? It would surprise me if vets still laugh at it. This has the smell of gung-ho recruiting, pre-Iraq. Let’s see what ol’ Tommy left out:

When you men get home
-IF you get home. If it’s even YOU who gets home. Or if you even go HOME. Many vets linger at the bases, or become itinerants, too ashamed to return to their hometowns and face their families.

…and face an anti-war protester
-Unlikely. I’ve yet to be faced with a soldier who’s come back ready to stand tall for what he did.

…look him in the eyes
-if you can, if that faculty is unimpared, or if you can reach eye-level from your wheelchair.

…and shake his hand
-Requires hand. Will your anti-war compatriot touch your hand, bloody as it is with war crime, porn jism, and dumb-bastard cooties?

…Then, wink at his girlfriend
-Can she see you wink from behind your dark wraparound sunglasses which you wear because you think they obscure your guilty mug? You’re Joe Camel now, a cartoon sense of self, disconnected you hope, from the deeds you’ve perpetrated and the inhumanity you’ve witnessed.

…because she knows she’s dating a pussy
-She’s dating a pussy who isn’t contaminated with DU, Anthrax, PTSD; who won’t wake up in the night and kill her; who won’t give her a deformed baby; who won’t spread an STD contracted from your buddies with whom you gang-raped a fellow soldier; who won’t spend the next ten years in and out of veterans facilities. If you don’t kill yourself sooner or ride your motorcycle crotch-rocket into a truck.

When Good Ol’ Tommy Franks was wisecracking, he was asking you to visualize your pre-war self facing your fellow citizen, not your post-trauma broken self. And Franks knew full well which would be making it home. Don’t think that war guilt is unintentional. It’s great for the Department of Defense bottom line. Re-enlistments are more likely, and the mentally-disabled hinder their own recovery. As soon as you are of no good to the Army, soon enough your ailments will assure they won’t have to pay your pension for very long.