Tag Archives: Marketing

Professional drunkard “Snooki” busted

From the “reality” show “Jersey Shore” where 20-somethings are filmed showing what they would do if they were paid to do a constant beach party. Ok so that’s not the OFFICIAL premise of the show, like, when you were 21 did you have a major studio pay your rent, your clothing tab and… YOUR BAR TAB? Sure, everybody did! That’s why it’s called a REALITY Show! Like, DUH! I wouldn’t have mentioned it at all but in “our” national obsession with 24-7 Televised Idolatry somehow this became a Major Story. And one headline compared it, albeit satirically, “Our Long National Nightmare is over- Snooki released” and took the names Martin L King and Nelson Mandela in vain. The charge, surprise: Disorderly Conduct. C’mon, guys, cut the poor girl some slack, huh? She gets PAID to be Drunk and Disorderly. The starting stages of the really tragic disease of Alcoholism is FUNNY! (oh, and the show also pays for her car and her gas. Neat!) It’s a sad day for our civilization.

Update on the Vuvuzela ban in British Soccer

I mentioned the cheaply made plastic horns being banned on the ridiculous “public safety-homeland security” excuse that they could be a weapon.
Now, I’ve a passing familiarity with weapons and the scars and record to prove it. If you could possibly use a vuvuzela as a weapon, if you have that skill level, then you would do a far quicker job of it with your bare hands. I also mentioned that the Soccer Football clubs don’t ban drunken rowdies, and the existence of beer so strong it’s properly measured in “proof” the way distilled spirits would be, 40% alcohol = 80 proof. The usual strength of distilled spirits in the U.S. Anything over 100 proof, is considered “overproof”. This is not from direct experience, I don’t drink. I do have a steadily decreasing number of friends who do. One of the many Reaganite approved ways of offing yourself with a little help from the Corporate Empire. Like this example. 55% 110 Proof BEER. It’s a microbrew, sure. Most English beer that’s a mere 25% alcohol (they call American beer “piss”) isn’t micro-brew, it’s commercial grade toxins.
This stuff is called “The End of History”, they made like 12 bottles for sale, at 500 pounds per bottle. Using stuffed animals to hold the bottles. By that I don’t mean Winnie the Pooh dolls or “my pretty pony” dolls…

REAL animals, dead and stuffed.

Yes, that’s really a dead squirrel. You’d be drinking, had they not sold all 12 bottles almost immediately, so we know there’s at least 2 dozen truly SICK ind-DUH-Viduals on the loose in our planet who have enough money to pay about $750 for something like … drinking from a dead animal.

It seems to me that you’d be French-kissing a dead rodent. While and at the same time, in a pointlessly repetitive, yet redundant, sort of way, poisoning yourself.

Bottoms up. These dudes seriously need to make friends with Bill W.

Meanwhile, in America and in Britain one can get the equivalent of a life sentence if you have pain medicine that’s not prescribed for you. The Capitalist Propagandists who are cheering this particular piece of Legalized (and insane) Drug Dealing, also cheered when Jeb Bush refused to issue a pardon to a Florida Resident who had 20 Vicodins which had been prescribed to him, for neuro pain from Multiple Sclerosis, and given a 25 year sentence without parole on the One-strike-you’re-out rule. The same week that Jeb Bush’s daughter, who also happened to be the niece of the (at the time) Current President of the U.S. and the granddaughter of another President…. got probation and a “sentence” to drug rehab after testing dirty for cocaine while already on probation for drug offenses.

And, meanwhile, here in Colorado Springs, the TeaBags are petitioning to ban the use of Medical Marijuana citywide. Their Puppet Organization the “Our Westside Neighbors” Fascist Control Freak Group is supporting the petition.

Hypocrisy in action.

Is Walmart trademark “Price Rollback” nostalgic for better shopping days?

Smile, you're saving even more.What is a Walmart “price ROLLBACK” but a way to take credit for sale pricing present and past? You generate goodwill for deals you’re advertising, and buttress customer loyalty for savings you offered in bygone times, whether you did or not.

Do “rollbacks” recall fond bargain-hunting nostalgia or are they marketer-conjured false memories? By implication likewise, where are the price rollups? Will Walmart’s idiot customer base ever hold the covert price tag markups against the evil retail giant? Is “rollback” really a trademarked synonym for the usual markdown? Here’s what I really want to know: is the veracity of Walmart’s claim to legacy values enforceable? Wonder Bread didn’t build bodies 24 ways, if Walmart whatzits didn’t sell for $1.53, ever, then they can’t say it. Fire sale, liquidating, dumping is acceptable.

Keebler Girl Scout placement on SNL

What was with the new face on SNL, cracking jokes on Weekend Update about Girl Scout Cookies? Was it a staff writer getting his on-camera big break? With unoriginal candle-holding to Gary Gulman’s cookie rap? I’ll bet the SNL regulars wouldn’t touch the shtick because it was pure product placement.

Number one: the humor was too self-deprecating. Wanna laugh at the Girl Scouts as an ineffectual distribution method? That’s like saying multilevel has no reach. Amway may look funny to traditional retailers, but the latter has to advertise like crazy, while the former only strengthens with publicity.

Number two: propagate pure falsehood. For example, complain that Girl Scout cookies are only available in season. In this age of consumer excess, it would seem impossible that the Girl Scout cookie varieties wouldn’t have at least generic imitators. The presumption of exclusivity is not even close. Keebler contracts the same baker elves as the Girl Scouts, so of course the Keebler Triple Fudge is identical to the Girl Scout Thin Mint. If you detect that one seems creamier, it’s because one is fresher. It’s the one with a shorter shelf life, because it goes straight from factory to jobber to supermarket, unlike its pricier, smaller packaged doppelganger which makes the rounds of garages, minivans and outdoor tables until a uniformed para-military future-realtor brings it to your door.

Coke tries to sell Hopenhagen in bottle

Copenhagen and Coke the Bottle of Hope
For a few brief seconds, the Yes Men merry pranksters unmasked climate summit sponsor Coca-Cola for the environmental villain it is. Coca-Cola had been among the organizers to brand the Hopenhagen campaign, a custom fit for their slogan Bottle of Hope. Coke then saturated the conference with posters intent to distill the Hopenhagen spirit into their bottle.

Doesn’t the limited satisfaction of drinking a soda come from the advertising theme? The condensation on the bottle, the sound it makes as the pressure is released, plus the images of the latest ads, define the product’s refreshment factor. In Copenhagen, Coke was promoting the elation to come from fighting for the planet, which could then be evoked to make an irresistible elixir.

Incidentally, the slogan presumably refers to an honorable scheme to manufacture bottles from sustainable materials.

What marketer could have been better placed to capitalize on the ephemeral essence of Copenhagen’s aspirations? Less sophisticated admen would have insisted on Cokenhagen. Household products would have required the unsubtle “Soapenhagen” proposed by Clean Coal.

hopenhagen pastoralThis is a detail from one of Coca-Cola’s posters by artist Andrew Bannecker for Bernstein and Andriulli. It’s a idyllic agricultural scene emerging like smoke from a genie’s bottle, in this case a Bottle of Hope we recognize as Coke’s. All of this beneath a banner proclaiming it “Hopenhagen.”

I am particularly unamused by the brick farm silo in the familiar shape of a coke bottle. What do you suppose Coke sees as its role in such a dreamy, by the caterpillar’s presence, organic, pastoral scene?

I suppose there’s some consolation that as COP15 tanks, Coke’s Bottles of Hope will taste false. Disappointment will be a pause that doesn’t refresh at all. Perhaps a perception of bitterness will wean consumers from the phoniness of too sweet. Coke’s bottled Hopenhagen will come with a foreboding aftertaste.

A fan of McDonald’s

McDonalds fan
BEIJING- Could there be a more offensive marketing campaign than this one? McDonald’s has taken a revered Chinese symbol and turned it into a corporate billboard. Beijing 2008 brought to you by an American fast food chain.

In the “open-24/7!” store in the Athlete’s Village, McDonald’s touts one or two “healthy” menu options buried deep beneath the grease-laden, e-Coli-infected, allegedly-edible garbage they offer. Message to young people: you, too, can bring home Olympic gold if you shove this shit in your mouth and work real real hard. Just don’t forget that you must also pay constant homage to Nike, the goddess of victory, except when honoring Ralph Lauren, the lord of the Great Gatsby set.

Remember, too, that you mustn’t offer up your MasterCard, for that is a grave offense. These gods only accept Visa, your ticket to the world.

Eco regressive marketing

Here’s an idea whose time should not have come: PLASTIC CANS. Supermarket repackaging
Canned fruit purveyors figured out that unlike baked beans or peas, the visual appeal of their produce could be a selling point. As a result, clear plastic bottles lend the appearance of an upscale alternative and command over three times the price -and social cost. What was a recyclable can, is now more plastic landfill. What was a safe container, will now leech plastic into your fruit.